Sand in my Shoes

Name:
Location: Winnemucca, Nevada, United States

I love all animals! Summer and sunshine make me happy! I want to save the world!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

That's All

My bare feet on hot blacktop .... since August .... no, you're no friend.
Cool shoes, cool you .... too cool to be you. That's all.
No big deal, no big real. Now and then.
You, pretend. That's all.

And you ... false donations and difficult hugs.
Those flowers .... the mud .... the winters to spring,
But that's all.
Bedtime .... no stories,
Playtime, no fun. Dinners .... like dungeon buffets.
Your way or the highway .... so here's my thumb.
That's all.

And you .... it's your mind, I know.
Your heart is pure, .... treasures, palace gifts galore .... but that's all.
And it's not your fault. I'd give every last dime,
To hit rewind .... and ride all over again.
An amazing ride ... now bumpy at best.
Can I get off please?
No, not just bumpy but vomitous for sure.
But you give and you gave and you give some more.
And that's not all .... that's not all.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

13

I am going back to that place.
That place where you took me,
So many years ago
You were evil but you cared
At least you cared ....

And now I'm going back
Though you won't be there
And it won't hurt
I think it will hurt that it won't
Because your evil pain
Felt wonderful .... wonderful stilling the numb
And all it's been since you stopped
Is numb

I am going back there to you
I am 13.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Missed

A snafu .... understated,
Botched and tangled
You received
An executed sigh

I pulled carefully,
Sniper precision
Planned and placed
And, delivered as such

'Tis the law, you know
That no true aim
Falls in fact
Where it's meant to go

For such malice
And pretense
And pointed mark
Would be no celebration
Should no arrow arc.

Monday, March 10, 2008

It's not in years,
The counting.

For each year
I grow old,
The past it stays as rooted
And your warnings
Reign in bold.

Where at first,
Faint and soft,
Shortly after the making
It's like the years
Are an oven
And the stewards
Are baking

Seared and searching
For the "off"
To soothe
And cool down
Seeking the soft
But it won't come around

Dulled not a bit
Only vivid rewind
Time going backward
Merciless mind.

Chasing Dust

In my room
I made my stand
Chasing dust
With child's hand
The more I pawed
The more I lost
I knew but naught
Of price or cost
'Twas only dust
And I but four
Grasping at
What flew before

At 33
It's all still dust
Priceless years
And wanderlust
The more I reach
The more it scatters
The more I see
All that matters
Not the dust
Whether lost,
Or caught
But child's will
Spoiled naught

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Ode to a Corn Borer

Uncovered and male
And stuck to the pale
Was how I first met thee

Husk unshorn
Life barely worn
A greenish hue was he

Spirited and quiet
Simply a riot
On cold counter he came to me

Once my eyes focused
Beyond all the hocus
Simply staring was he

Ceased massive cooking
To join in the looking
Coming from one so wee

But then I realized
There was some despise
For warmth I took from thee!

High brow toiled
As his shanty boiled
Still, simply staring at me!

Who could have thought
That a being so naught
Could gaze so mightily?

Steal forth in haste
No time to waste
Another home for thee!

But the only shant
Was a pomegranate
But make a new home did he!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Even if They Don't Listen

It's not the minds
Who hear you
Nor the eyes that see
But the strength and wisdom
You bellow forth
Brave and mightily

Though deaf ears receive you
And sight lost within
'Tis the speaking that matters
The unkeeping-in
So stand there spewing
Or silent such
And produce something similar
With a far different touch

Monday, October 01, 2007

What Becomes

With heavy lids and heavy heart
I close my eyes to sleep
And in the morning, eyes alight
But heavy heart haunts thee
Another day becomes a ghost
Another week ... then months
Sleep soothes the sleepiness
Yet, what relieves these ghosts?

Fall loves the cold, turns the leaves
Kisses them with color
And, I the leaf left behind
Clinging, mangy brown
The only leaf left behind
While others find the ground

And, what becomes of one lost leaf
One who can't get down,
Painted quite unlike the others
Torn and slighted
Odd-shaped and spited
Did you know a leaf can frown?

And what becomes,
And what becomes ....
When others come and go,
And go the cycle as they should
Sleep underneath the snow
But what becomes of one who's lost
Numb in winter's breeze
What becomes when all have gone
Save one bitter, lonely leaf?

Monday, September 24, 2007

Before This Life

I did something, I know ...
Ungrateful, at least
I did something before
To offend such a beast

Long before today,
Decades before tomorrow,
I did something, I know ...
To bring on this sorrow.

Terrible it was,
Horrid, I'm sure.
Afflicted, this heart,
And, certainly no cure.

Still, I can't see
What I left behind
I can't see the last century
And, my unfaithful mind

Because something I know
When I know nothing at all
There is no rational reason
For desire to call

But who gave it reason
Who says there's a why?
When lips work to smile
While heart yearns to cry?

A leper of love
Hated and black
Masking with wonder
A hiddeous crack.

Wider than Heaven,
Hollow ... and pretend
I was there before
And, I'll be there again.

Friday, September 21, 2007

A Friday Night

Toe, unstill
A tapping delight
Impatient ... moreso,
On a Friday night.

Wonder, deluxe,
A few hours to wait.
Tapping and anxious,
September and great.

But, if I could
Sooner ... I might,
Wander away,
And ponder tonight.

As stars awake,
And day turns to black,
I'll slip into naughty,
And never come back.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Heather ... Here to Save Your Sticky Buns!

"How did we get here?" I was in a meeting the other day when a confused attendee asked that very question in reference to the topic. That same question entered my mind tonight as I sat down to dinner while talking on the phone with my mom. One minute we're talking about my brother and law school, and suddenly, from left field, I mean no warning, no nothing (of course I may have tuned her out for a moment or two) I hear, "You were there when your brother was circumcised ...." And, then it was a queazy fading jumble of words, "bloody ... piece .... foreskin ..." was all I heard after that - I kid you NOT - food on my tongue at THAT very moment and mom decides to talk about .... okay, I'll spare the rest of you the graphic, bloody details ...

Speaking of food, I think there should be legislation on grocery checkers making random comments about your items as they ring them up. And, of course, there are never fewer than 15 people behind you when that happens, well, at least there were today when Ms. Snooootybigmouth commented loudly on my XXXXXX - to my very shock and horror! Oh man, she came real close to getting her nose grabbed and squished.

So, back up .... way before I got to Ms. Snooootybigmouth, before I loaded my cart, I was strolling across the crowded parking lot when an older lady's grocery bag ripped, sending all of her food rolling in different directions ... except, of course the sticky bun box, which landed upside-down in two pieces at my feet .... damn they were good! Okay, just joking, but I did have to corral those sticky little suckers back into the gooey box and hand them back to her .... yes, ALL of them.

"Oh come on, you know you had two stuffed into each cheek when you walked away!" said my mom, hysterically. No, eating that poor lady's sticky buns did not cross my mind .... however, what DID cross my mind was a little mellow-drama ... jump to me ripping off my shirt (no, not like that, you perv!) like Superman, except to reveal a sticky bun shirt and me proudly exclaiming, "Never fear! I am here to save your sticky buns!" Followed by another hilarious mental snippet that almost left me rolling in the donut aisle - "Heather Singer, super sticky bun picker-upper at your service!" Try saying that 10 times fast! I only got to two in the car on the way home. After two, it turns into something like "Heather Stinker sticky picker ..... "

So, on a serious note ... in celebration of being one week free of that Dark and Gloomy Cloud - yes, you heard me, it stayed gone - I am going to indulge my super sticky bun picker-upper self in three of my guilty pleasures ... I can't tell you what those are, but I CAN tell you that Scrubs better not be a tear-jerker like it was last night ... or so help me, someone will be getting their nose grabbed and squished ... yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you, Zach Braff, Mr. Talking Floating Head Man of My Dreams ......

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sister

No longer grief
Empty, surpassed
Just missing you, still
Since I saw you last

Eight years, your eyes
Soulful and glad
A chance encounter
The last we had

Had I known then
What I see today
The early coming
Of your going away

I struggle to remember
But, then, had I known
I'd have chiseled each moment
To savor in stone

I'd have told you then
What the silence hid
What I saw
When, as a kid

A gift bestowed
A sacred token
A sister given
To fix the broken

And each passing year,
I remember more
From those 18 years
Your were mine to adore

Twelve years the elder
And, I, wide-eyed with awe
I wanted no more
Than to see what you saw

The fragile you showed
Yet, shrouded in wise
The patience and love
And warmth in your eyes

When memory rekindles
A faded moment shared
A new gift again
The broken repaired

It replays like a movie
Rewind, again and again
Till the clearer I see
My sister, my friend

More than I knew
What wouldn't last
How much was broken
After you passed

Like before I knew you
Before I met,
The sister I'd grow
To never forget

The sister who shared
What she had before
The broken she lived
And we helped to restore

The sister who knew
That love was home-grown
Organic and pure
And carved into stone

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Boy and the Bun

The toddler was crying
Hot under the sun
Holding up high
An empty hotdog bun

Puzzled parents!
Even street vendor was sure
A hotdog was there
Just moments before

Too tiny to know
How to put into words
His lunch flew away
With a giant bird!

Who'd believe this tale
Who else knew?
Besides the seagull and I
That it really WAS true?!

That moments before
When no one else was looking
A laughing gull swooped in
To grab what was cooking

Up high and away
He flew toward the sun
To leave behind hungry boy
With just ketchup and bun!

Monday, July 23, 2007

A slithering serpeant, visited I
Among the sage and scorching dry
It was cool where he rested, benign for a bit
He beckoned, "My dear, won't you come and sit?"
"But you'll bite," said I, "And, I'm quite afraid,
To lounge so near you in the shade."
"Hiss I may, and bite I might,
There is no certainty, 'side from your fright."
I pondered this and thought it strange,
No shame for venom, nor pretense for change.
A leopard with spots, and proud yet still
Though chance lurked near for breath to spill
But, poison or naught, so open was he,
I could not help but lounge trustingly.
He shared his shade, and I, my mind,
Knowing that nature, itself, could unwind.
But fright was gone though threat still there,
Oddly, I came not to care,
For comfort and company enjoyable so,
Should venom strike ... there were worse ways to go.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Why I Love Working Weekends at the Vet Clinic

1. After a while, all dog poop smells the same.

2. No shortage of great puns - i.e., I commented today how "unsightly" an injury was to this cute little pug's eye.

3. Growls mean, "Did you shower today?" And, licks mean, "Where's my treat?!"

4. If I didn't shower, I can usually blame the dogs for any noxious smells.

5. Sweet little old ladies and their cats.

6. Tough chihauhua's protecting their sissy pitbull siblings.

7. Two St. Bernards who weigh more than I do!

8. Scaring the new people about the "ghosts" in the old, creepy basement.

9. Getting a tiny little hint 'o grin out of Dr. Sara.

10. A three-legged cat named Eileen.

11. Watching the owners have to watch something really gross like their pet's eye infection getting poked at - especially someone really prissy ... "Oh, eeewwwwww, eeeewwwwww!!!!! Is that what the inner eyelid looks like?!"

12. Treats in my pockets for good doggies .... which means all doggies.

13. How Dr. Grinsell notices the small stuff I do, like weeding the front garden ... and how appreciative he is.

14. Doggies who come in hurt and then get put back together again ... good as new!!!

15. Kitties who purr even when they are getting a shot!

16. Seeing Dr. Sara get all goo-gooey over puppies.

17. Seeing an owner's expression when Dr. Grinsell tells him/her their new little boy kitten, Bob, is really a female.

18. Huge dogs who try to hide when the vet walks in. Rule of thumb ... the bigger the dog, the more terrified he/she is.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Mirror

Admiration ... just sometimes
Then despair.
An anomaly, you know,
Apparition incognito.
There, then gone,
Working ...
To see you, just once
Really see you ...
But, a simple glance,
A lone reflection ...
Is all.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Original Limerics (just for fun y'all!)

Paris of the Garden
Polished runway rose
To the dirt she'll turn up her nose
The aphids compete
To dine at her feet
Till into the vase she goes!

Kosher Flowers
Mr. Birdie Schwartz the Third
Singing without words
Inspecting each flora
As one might the Torah
Oye! Only a hummingbird!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

To Do List:

1. make up a new word; use it in conversations

2. pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time!

3. try to subtly pluck hair from mole on back of friend's neck

4. learn the Istanbul/Constantinople song

5. bribe the laundry room cricket to bring it down a notch

6. take a deep breath

7. witness plumber crack without laughing

8. scare the scary people

9. see how many blows a tissue can withstand

10. find out if frogs fart

11. make peace with kitchen jumping spider

12. prank call brother in weird, creepy voice

13. daydream about being a princess!

14. chew all fingernails equally - not fair to pick favorites

15. break in new pooper scooper

16. check under bed and in closets for monsters

17. count the stars

18. be happy

Monday, June 04, 2007

Lifejacket of Lead

Floating in a boat of fool, on an ocean of hypocracy. A storm, in the distance. Paddles of nowhere take me in water circles. It just doesn't seem right for salt water to catch fresh rain.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Just a Leaf

If life was like an apple
I'd be an apple pie
Overcooked, slightly tart
Scrumtious to a fly

If life was just a song
I'd be a giddy verse
And you could skip along
Singing at your worst

If life was but a leaf
I'd yellow in the fall
And be the only one
To stay when winter called

If life was just a bug
I'd be a mighty ant
Fearless king of the pebble
A stranger to "I can't"

If life were like the wind
I'd blow something fierce
But gently on your skin
To dry your invisible tears

May 2007

Monday, May 14, 2007

May You Always Face the Sun so Your Wig Never Molds in the Shadow

Notes to self:

1. Must stop talking to myself outside of my house with lips moving.
2. Must stop using the word "freakin'" as the all-purpose adjective/adverb. I am getting on my own nerves. This has gone too far.
3. Must live up to my own expectations, not others.
4. If I'm going to thumb my nose at the world and dye my hair gothic black with attitude, must not cry when people laugh. What a sissypants! I don't deserve badboy black hair!
5. Must get a really cool infection in my finger, and truly let it fester this time to see what happens. Ten fingers are SO over-rated. You can only pick your nose with one anyway.
6. Must stop trying to hard to fix the world ... fix myself ... then work on the world.

I've decided that when I need to tell a story that involves someone I know, I am going to rename this person the name of a celebrity of similar looks and personality so no one will get mad at me. Even my brother has gotten to the point of saying, "Heath, I'll tell you this but it is NOT to go into your novel." Sheesh ... as if I can't be trusted. I've snooped in dozens of diaries, emails, notebooks, underwear drawers, bathroom cabinets and anything else anywhere I can get my nosy little hands on ... but have I ever once revealed the awesome dark secrets I've uncovered? NO. Not once. I keep these juicy tidbits all to myself. That way, it doesn't hurt so bad when someone laughs at me because I know something you don't know I know ..... nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Yes, I know, sudden panic for all of you reading this who know me. "Eak, did she peek in MY closet?!" "Did she snoop in MY drawer." Yup, I'm sure I have .... and probably your wallet, under your bed, behind your couch, your notes-to-self ..... why? Curiosity. I love to see what goes on in other people's heads when no one is looking .... not to hurt anyone or betray them .... just to know more, I guess. I've always been that way ..... yes, by the age of 10, I could have offered Harriet the Spy a tip or two. Apparently, my mom does this as well. She's the only other person I know who will pick up a folded piece of paper on the ground just to see if it is a private note .... and yes, people ..... many of them are.

No mail in my mailbox today. I find this fishy. You know those really nice mailpeople who walk around smiling and waving as they joyously deliver letters? That's not my mailperson. I suspect that my mailperson is the type to get stung by a butterfly, to break a tooth on the only half of olive pit in the whole jar, to throw the penny over the wishing well, to be the one person in all eternity on the entire planet who ever actually bit into a razor blade in a piece of Halloween candy, to get drenched when the sun is out ..... okay, fine, so I left my sprinkler on that time .... sheesh.

What happened to rain, sleet, snow or hail, the mail will be there ... or something like that? For my mailperson, it's more like rain, sleet, snow, hail, breeze, sunny day, cloudy day, perfect day, any day, I'm sitting my ass right here and if I can't reach your mailbox with my curled up pinky finger, well, then you have a faulty mailbox. How do I know this? Why just last week, I received the dozenth Post Office Notice: Dear Resident at XXXX, Your mailbox is sitting too far from the curb. Please correct this problem or your mail will cease to be delivered. When the HELL did postal people start expecting mailboxes to come to them?!?

Ya want the kicker? I wasn't living here when my mailbox was steadfastly erected. I was negative two years old! But, just last year, the county built a nice new curb on our road and apparently, my mailbox moved itself six inches farther away from the road. So, I took this dozenth Dear Resident at XXXXX, Your mailbox is sitting too far from the curb letter and crossed out that nonsense. I wrote, Dear Mailperson, Your truck is crooked. Please fix your mailtruck as soon as possible so I may continue to receive my mail. Yes, I really did put it in the mailbox and raise the little red flag .... now you see my suspicion over receiving no mail today. Apparently, some people have NO sense of humor. I think I might move the mailbox to suit her fancy, but at the same time replace it with a tiny one in which each letter has to be folded and stuffed in forcefully. Hmmmmmm ..... I can see her note now. Dear Resident at XXXXXX, A zillion heartfelt apologies and hugs.
Please put back your old mailbox. Your Friendly Neighborhood Postal Worker Eager to Bring Your Mail Come Rain or Shine

Backing up half a page to me renaming those I love and cherish as celebrities to disguise their true identity, hence, prolonging my life. I spent most of last week gushing to Daryl Hannah that Saturday night I was hired to help host an event where I would get to don an outrageous senorita costume - complete with a real-hair, black wig. That was the best part! Saturday came and went, and reluctantly I was forced to give back the $2,000 wig. Bummer. Ah-ha! I went home and dyed my own hair jet black, and guess what?! It came out just like the wig ..... okay, maybe a $20 Walmart wig, but close enough!

Yeah, finally, my badboy self had come to the surface. Hello dark, mysterious, intimidating, newly reinvented moi! Since I've known Daryl Hannah for 14 years and she is one of my closest friends, I warned her before popping out excitedly with my outrageously solid black hair. "Daryl!" said I, "I must warn you. I have dyed my hair. It is quite shocking!" Like a child yelling "boo!" I excitedly leaped around the corner to meet her shocked expression, expecting us to both wallow in my carefree, daring, adventurous euphoria.

But, she laughed quite heartily and,
in between hunched-over hysteria, I finally heard her mumble, "So, that's the wig you were so excited to wear Saturday night!" "Um, no. This is really my hair. I liked the wig so much, I dyed my hair just like it!" A brief pause and mortified expression shrouded her brow, knowing she had just irreparably put her foot into her mouth, but instead of growing pensive and apologetic (well, what the heck, she had passed the point of no return anyway), she burst out laughing even more at her own goofy blunder - a situation that looked eerily familiar, except I was usually the one suffering the uncontrollable fits of hysteria under someone else's angry glare.

Chuckle as I did, I could not keep up and finally my own gush of laughter faded to a drip, and then a horrified okay-you-can-stop-laughing-now expression .... growing even more horrified as I realized there was no end in sight to her hysteria. Broken and beaten, I slunk away like a child hit with the dodge ball. "Come back, I'm, I'm .... hahahahahaha." I knew Daryl was trying desperately to contain herself and spit out a sincere apology. I love Daryl immensely and we both knew that this little rock in the road of our longtime friendship would have no negative bearing on the future of our friendship. However, I had desperately wanted us to rejoice together, not her alone laughing at pathetically sad me.

But hours later, after we had hugged, made up and laughed about the whole thing, I burst out laughing when I realized she really had thought it was a wig and I was playing a joke. Of course, that IS something I would really do, so of course Daryl might think that. I still laugh each time I remember us hugging and laughing and her sheepishly recounting how her first thought when I came jumping out was, "What a crazy wig!" Yeah, and what a crazy broad it's attached to, I thought to myself!

Well, I suppose I am lucky that my real hair looks like a wig on my head instead of my hair adorning a wig on someone else's head. Whose hair was in that wig Saturday anyway?! What spurred her and her hair to part ways (is that NOT the best pun ever?!!)? At least I knew myself and my hair would still be on the same path at day's end .... where that path would be, who knew, but my hair would be there with the secure hug it always offered come rain or shine, sleet or hail, snow or wind ..... my head would never be too far away for my hair to reach.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

A Dog Poop Tale

Blissful today was I ...for several reasons .... a fantastic lunch .... great convo, you know, but one blissful reason was because I thought my yard was dog-poop-free, something toy poodle owners don't appreciate. But with five large dogs and a long, cold winter of avoiding my dog poop duties, that was music to my ears! My dear and wonderful friend bragged that he had cleaned up four bags of dog poop from my yard on Tuesday (two days ago)! I think he just wanted to raid my fridge while I was at work because I know my five dogs crap a lot, but these little turd buckets did not shat 150 piles in two days. Yup, folks, it was turd central .... and I, a mere fifth grader playing hopscotch!

I'm not trying to make a stink about it or call my dear friend a big, fat, exaggerater, but lets face it, he didn't miss just a pile or two .... or three. It appeared as though all the dogs from the neighborhood had gathered in my yard last night for their annual Pinch a Loaf Potluck Party .... and I got stuck with the leftovers! Oh lookie here, someone brought Diarrhea Surprise and Crapcakes - my favorite! And, oohhhh, someone worked their little bottom off to make this lovely Hershey Squirt Dessert! Aahhhhh, Stir Fried Assparagus, Dumplings and Ca-ca Tacos, and over here, some fresh Crapple Turnover and Bumpkin Pie. Mmmmmm ......

I've decided to pass some personal legislation for my yard: The No Pile Left Behind Act. Hmmmmmm .... does that mean little turds would be pushed out of the system before they were ready?! (gasp!) Not in my yard!!

You know how kids push all their food around on their plates to make it look like they ate everything? Well, it looked as though my friend had spread the poop piles out to appear less! Either that, or he stood among the crab and ass grass and said, "Eanie meanie meinie moe, okay, this turd's gotta got," which would explain a lot of things. Or, maybe when he said four bags of dog poop, he meant Ziplock sandwich bags .... hmmmmm .... I'll have to check the cupboard. OR, maybe he said he picked up four bags, but neglected to mention that he left eight out there!

And, why am I sharing this you may be asking? Because I had plenty of time to discuss this with myself as I displayed proper pooper scooping technique for two hours this evening. Have I mentioned, by the way, that my friend is one sexy dog-poop-picker-upper, the second sexiest this side of the Mississippi, next to, yep, Yours Truly! Yeah, I'm one sexy poop-scoopin' mutha.

Why I do believe that just last month I picked up my one millionth loaf! Ha! Where's the beef now, McD?? Even Old Faithful has stood the test of time .... well, barely, his wooden handles have split in two and have been duck-taped back together several times. His metal scoopy things are kinda bent to the side, but never has there been a more dependable pooper scooper than he ..... yes, he was something in his prime. Aaahhhhhhh, every dog owner should be this lucky. He was a gift from above .... okay, a gift from mom, but he was the top box in the UPS delivery truck, so yes, he really did come from above ...... and made his way straight to the bottom.

As a pet owner, it's important to become one with your dog's shat. Peacefully scooping on nights like this gives an owner time to reflect on what their dogs have been eating .... oh, there's the other half of my notebook! I can see who's been snacking in the kitty litterbox! Yes, believe it or not, after all this time, I can tell one turd from another and whose behind left it behind .... shocking, I know. And, I can read, too!

So next time your friend tells you something too good to be true, check your lawn. And, before you make a stink over your neighbor's pink flamingos, ask yourself this: What's in your yard? Have you done your poop duty?

Show your best friend he's number one by giving him a clean place to go number two. Don't let your dog's bottom down! Remember, you too, can leave no pile from your pooch's behind, behind. We never stand so tall as when we stoop to scoop poop! And, finally, I leave you with this - the grass is always greener where the turds are less dense. Goodnight, my friends. May you all be blessed with so much great shit to talk about! Watercooler, here I come .....

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Heather's Original Tips, Rules and Quirky Tidbits for a Full and Happy Life

Why run with scissors when you can jump, leap, swirl and dance with them hanging precariously from the tip of your thumb? Never stop to smell the roses without inhaling a bee. If you must jump into the shallow end, do it with gusto! Why must we hang out with Tom, Dick and Harry?! Why not just Dick? Why must we cry softly in public when we can flat out bawl extra loud, make a huge scene and cause everyone within a two-block radius to want to cry as well? I will never sit down and shut up. I will stand and shout, and shout some more!! Most importantly, if you must flip off an irate driver, make sure you do it when the person is heading down the freeway off ramp as you are continuing straight ahead. Be sure to flip the most well-defined and pronounced bird ever! And smile as you do! Why look behind you before casting your fishing pole? Hook someone in the eye - that's why people have two! (If not but for the grace of God, there go eye!) And, for all of you clean, proper and uptight public toilet users who wipe the seat and use the seat cover or painfully hover above the pot, I thumb my nose at you as I plop quickly down each time and am in and out of the stall before you've unzipped! Precious moments saved! To everyone who jumps in fear and says, "Eak, a mouse!" I know the mouse is jumping too and saying, "Squeak! A person!" But with spiders, when you yell, "OMG a spider!!" The spider, himself, jumps, looks around in horror and says, "OMG! Where?! Get it off me!!!" Did you know that you burn as many calories licking envelopes as you ingest from them? I know someone who counts the calories in gum. Not me, thank God! I only count the gum on my shoe! And, I burn calories doing it! Ha! My personal motto for being nosey and proud of it: "Your business is my business." Having a charlie horse hurts much worse than a camel toe. If your friend has a camel toe, you MUST tell her! When someone says "Bless his/her heart," before speaking about someone, they usually dislike the person they are blessing. And, when someone says, "This is the honest to God truth!" I can guarantee it's an honest to God lie! It's okay to say bad things about cruel people. And, saying funny but hurtful things about good people is okay, too, as long as they NEVER hear you! You know that starfish? The ONE the boy picked up on the beach out of the millions of washed up starfish and threw back into the ocean? I know him. He grew up to be quite an important starfish and did many amazing things. Just because you're mom or dad tells you it's okay to do something doesn't always make it okay. Think for yourself. Bad people have children too. How come people say "aaaawwwwww" and get all mushy when they see a cute photo of a furry squirrel eating a nut, but those same people don't bat an eye after running one over on the road? And, those same people freak out when their dog runs away, but drive right by someone else's lost dog running down the shoulder of the freeway?! NEVER take a single key off your keychain to carry around by itself unless you want to lose it. (You might as well toss it in the garbage!) If you're about to sneeze, make sure you don't have food in your mouth. And, if your dad is about to sneeze, run for cover! If your brother accidentally spits a milk-covered frosted flake into your eye, it's his way of saying he loves you. Dog farts will keep you awake when you need to stay up, but there's no off switch when you really need to get some shuteye. If you find a pretty stone for your garden that happens to have "something" living under it, you can take the stone, just find another one immediately to replace it. When you bite into an apple and there's a stunned worm suddenly staring at you, listen closely and you can hear him hollar, "Shut the door! You're letting the heat out!" I don't think souls go to heaven or some great afterlife. Peaceful is how I imagine the nothingness of when I was negative years old. Maybe that's how it is, too, when we die. The best way to let someone know when they have a booger is to say, "Hey, there's huge booger sticking out of your nose." I named my blog Sand in My Shoes because I grew up on the Jersey shore. I really should have called it Sand in My Bathing Suit. My bathing suits sported much more sand than my shoes ever did. As a matter of fact, my feet never really sported shoes all that much anyway.


Friday, July 14, 2006

Purple Haze

It happened in a slow-motion purple haze - one of those moments in your life where everything else fades into the background and the event before you unravels crisp, clear and slow ... in such a way that it is forever imprinted on your mind.

It was 1987. I was in the seventh grade, sitting next to some bushes in the schoolyard with Themy and Gia, my two only friends. Yes, we were nerds. There would be no 'palin' around with the popular crowd today ... or any day for that matter. Behind Themy and Gia's heads, I could see Robert, a boy even more pathetic than the three of us. His family was extremely poor. He smelled, wore the same clothes to school every day and, of course, had no friends. He was teased and taunted constantly. As usual he was sitting alone on the steps outside of a classroom on the other side of the schoolyard. This was one of those rare days he was smiling ... all day long as a matter of fact. He had completed his woodshop class project, a toolbox he had carefully crafted for his father. He sat beside it on the steps and admired it for much of recess.

From, the corner of my eye, I spotted Gary, another seventh grader who had recently moved to our small, sheltered, low crime town on the Jersey Shore from Miami. He said he was (gasp) a gang member. Everyone was afraid of him and stayed away. He usually spent his recess walking aggressively in circles around the schoolyard, giving off plenty of attitude, straggly, long, dirty blond hair flopping menacingly in front of his eyes. He always looked angry, had a major chip on his shoulder and was clearly looking for any excuse to start a fight. He was trouble at its worst. The only other person who came close to the fear Gary evoked, was a large 15-year-old girl named, Tracy, who had been left back two or three times. She popped in and out of our school at the beginning of the year, just quick enough to beat me up in the hallway. Other than that, our school was full of pampered, wussy, rich people's kids, whose words often cut deep, but, words were usually the ony real threat.

Just then, the conversation shifted to Themy's new sunglasses. Gia tried them on first. Then it was my turn. They were tinted purple and made the whole world suddenly feel like a lavender dream. I flipped my hair in a playful, "How do I look, dahhhhling?" way, and as I turned my head, I saw it happen, through the purple, across the schoolyard ... everything else vanished in those seconds. Time stopped as Gia and Themy's voices and giggles faded to a far-off place. I saw Gary's "attitude walk" pick up pace as he spotted Robert sitting alone, still admiring his toolbox, a several-months-long project.

Robert didn't even see Gary approach until the mean bully snagged the perfectly sanded, painted and handcrafted piece right out from under Robert's nose. I couldn't hear him, but I could see Roberts lips moving, his face contorted with worry as he pleaded for Gary to give it back. Gia and Themy finally noticed my motionless stare and turned around to see what was happening. Although, this might sound like it took a while and may have felt like it was happening slowly, in reality, I'm sure it all happened very quickly.

As Robert panicked and dove from one side of Gary to the other in vain attempts to retreive his toolbox, Gary, kept it just out of reach. Through the purple tint, I could see Gary laughing, sick and pervertedly, all the while. In one quick motion, Gary smashed the toolbox over his knee, snapping the entire wooden box completely in half as though it were made of nothing but styrofoam. He handed both pieces back to Robert and walked away.

I don't know when other kids noticed what was going on, but by this time, most activity on the schoolyard had come to a complete halt as everyone looked on in sheer astonishment at the agony on Robert's face. His mouth was wide open as though he should be yelling, but nothing was coming out, only tears were pouring down his cheeks. It may as well have been him that was completely broken in half. Since kindergarten, Robert suffered the cruel words and names hurled at him by other kids. He was the only poor boy in a "rich kid" school. His parents owned a fishing shack on the bay in South Jersey. They sold bait and tackle to the rich kids' families before these families boarded their luxury fishing boats.

Robert was a quiet boy, a sad boy, a child who didn't play, but worked for his parents when he wasn't in school. I had seen him running the fishing shack by himself years before seventh grade. Never before did he appear completely broken by what others said or the harshness of his own life in the midst of what others enjoyed as paradise. But, on this day he was broken. He lifted both pieces of his toolbox high above his head dramatically, his mouth still agape in agony, as everyone continued to look on in horror. Then he slammed both pieces down hard onto the blacktop and ran into the school.

Everyone stared at the pieces of tan wood, scattered across the blacktop. A schoolyard lunch lady ran into the school behind him. Soon, the shop teacher came out and carefully picked up the wooden pieces. By now I had given Themy her glasses back. Things were no longer purple, but a somber air was quickly being replaced by anger as one popular, dark-haired beauty named Gina, who somehow managed to ooze kindness and compassion though most of her friends did not, began to rally a giant mob of kids to seek out Gary, who by now had shimmied up under a brick overhang outside of one of the classrooms. He was hanging onto the side of the school, near the roof and looking down as the angry mob approached. For the first time, he looked afraid. Seeing the look on Gina's face, I would have been afraid too.

With dozens of seventh and eigth graders behind her, Gina laid into Gary about what he had done. Verbally, she broke him in half as he hung from the side of the school. That was the last day anyone saw Gary. He had popped in and out of our school almost as quickly as that large 15-year-old girl. The woodshop teacher spent the next few months helping Robert construct another toolbox, and Gia, Themy and I continued to hang out every day at lunch by those bushes.

Things quieted down for quite a while after that day. No big, mean kids popped in and out of the school in the months following so the rich, snobby kids were free to wield the most dangerous weapons they had - their cruel, nasty words, but recovery time was quick and there was always Gina, watching from the inside to make sure no one ever cut too deeply. I am sure today she is somewhere fighting in defense of the downtrodden and has probably given hell to many Gary's along the way. I imagine Robert has probably inherited the fishing shack by now and has long since healed from the toolbox incident, although, the memory is probably even more vivid in his mind than my own. And, me, well, I'm still observing the happenings in this crazy world, far beyond the schoolyard, and writing madly about what I have seen through all the sunlight, moonlight and purple-tinted sunglasses.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Beyond the FOR SALE Sign

I look out my front door to the "For Sale" sign and for the umteenth time tell myself how relieved I will be when my house sells. Because beyond the sign, I look and see the smiling face of my 79-year-old neighbor, Ed. He is laughing and waving, and telling me how wonderful he feels today and how happy he is to be alive.

I am walking over to bring him some soup I made and sit with him on his front porch to hear stories about the good 'ol days, before computers, cellphones and technology took over. And, we discuss the good movies that are coming up on the Turner Classic movie station. "Have you seen 'The Good Old Summertime' yet?" he asks.
"No, but I watched 'The Little Shop Around the Corner' last night for the third time!" I tell him. "And, I saw 'Roman Holiday!'"
"Is that the one with Audrey Hepburn?" he asks.

And, we talk for a while. I also see him sitting out on his lawn chair, daydreaming into a pink and purple sunset. I see him excited over a bowl of fresh blackberries I have just picked for him. And, I see him feeding his goldfish and telling me about the wonderful breakfast he had that morning with his son. I always see him, smiling and happy, now, moreso than in the past few months when his health went downhill quickly and he couldn't come out quite as often. But, I see myself watering the bushes and I hear a loud knock. I look up at Ed's house and see him tapping on his window, smiling and waving, because even though he can't fully make his way outside, I know he will sit there for hours, watching the birds, trees and flowers and loving the sheer beauty of it all.

I look again at the "For Sale" sign and think how unfair it is that I have to be here now that Ed's gone when I can still see him happy, courageous and dignified up until the very end. I think how unfair it is that his house sits quiet and empty and this street feels so empty now. I realize how sad it is, not so much for Ed, but for me, because instead of being greeted each morning by his old sparkly eyes, silver hair and laughter, it is just quiet and no one is waving. The worst part is that I can see him clearly standing there, in my mind, and telling me stories and petting his cat, but the images are ghostly and not happy and fulfilling like when I could really hear him and laugh with him. I hate death because it is so permanent and so unfair. It takes something away and leaves a big hole where there wasn't one before. I need to put up thicker curtains and lock my door so I won't keep looking out, wishing Ed was over there. But, I know he is and always will be. It is just so painful to see him now in my mind's eye when for so long I took for granted seeing and hearing the real thing, and having him as a real, true friend.