Heather's Original Tips, Rules and Quirky Tidbits for a Full and Happy Life

Why run with scissors when you can jump, leap, swirl and dance with them hanging precariously from the tip of your thumb? Never stop to smell the roses without inhaling a bee. If you must jump into the shallow end, do it with gusto! Why must we hang out with Tom, Dick and Harry?! Why not just Dick? Why must we cry softly in public when we can flat out bawl extra loud, make a huge scene and cause everyone within a two-block radius to want to cry as well? I will never sit down and shut up. I will stand and shout, and shout some more!! Most importantly, if you must flip off an irate driver, make sure you do it when the person is heading down the freeway off ramp as you are continuing straight ahead. Be sure to flip the most well-defined and pronounced bird ever! And smile as you do! Why look behind you before casting your fishing pole? Hook someone in the eye - that's why people have two! (If not but for the grace of God, there go eye!) And, for all of you clean, proper and uptight public toilet users who wipe the seat and use the seat cover or painfully hover above the pot, I thumb my nose at you as I plop quickly down each time and am in and out of the stall before you've unzipped! Precious moments saved! To everyone who jumps in fear and says, "Eak, a mouse!" I know the mouse is jumping too and saying, "Squeak! A person!" But with spiders, when you yell, "OMG a spider!!" The spider, himself, jumps, looks around in horror and says, "OMG! Where?! Get it off me!!!" Did you know that you burn as many calories licking envelopes as you ingest from them? I know someone who counts the calories in gum. Not me, thank God! I only count the gum on my shoe! And, I burn calories doing it! Ha! My personal motto for being nosey and proud of it: "Your business is my business." Having a charlie horse hurts much worse than a camel toe. If your friend has a camel toe, you MUST tell her! When someone says "Bless his/her heart," before speaking about someone, they usually dislike the person they are blessing. And, when someone says, "This is the honest to God truth!" I can guarantee it's an honest to God lie! It's okay to say bad things about cruel people. And, saying funny but hurtful things about good people is okay, too, as long as they NEVER hear you! You know that starfish? The ONE the boy picked up on the beach out of the millions of washed up starfish and threw back into the ocean? I know him. He grew up to be quite an important starfish and did many amazing things. Just because you're mom or dad tells you it's okay to do something doesn't always make it okay. Think for yourself. Bad people have children too. How come people say "aaaawwwwww" and get all mushy when they see a cute photo of a furry squirrel eating a nut, but those same people don't bat an eye after running one over on the road? And, those same people freak out when their dog runs away, but drive right by someone else's lost dog running down the shoulder of the freeway?! NEVER take a single key off your keychain to carry around by itself unless you want to lose it. (You might as well toss it in the garbage!) If you're about to sneeze, make sure you don't have food in your mouth. And, if your dad is about to sneeze, run for cover! If your brother accidentally spits a milk-covered frosted flake into your eye, it's his way of saying he loves you. Dog farts will keep you awake when you need to stay up, but there's no off switch when you really need to get some shuteye. If you find a pretty stone for your garden that happens to have "something" living under it, you can take the stone, just find another one immediately to replace it. When you bite into an apple and there's a stunned worm suddenly staring at you, listen closely and you can hear him hollar, "Shut the door! You're letting the heat out!" I don't think souls go to heaven or some great afterlife. Peaceful is how I imagine the nothingness of when I was negative years old. Maybe that's how it is, too, when we die. The best way to let someone know when they have a booger is to say, "Hey, there's huge booger sticking out of your nose." I named my blog Sand in My Shoes because I grew up on the Jersey shore. I really should have called it Sand in My Bathing Suit. My bathing suits sported much more sand than my shoes ever did. As a matter of fact, my feet never really sported shoes all that much anyway.