A Dog Poop Tale
Blissful today was I ...for several reasons .... a fantastic lunch .... great convo, you know, but one blissful reason was because I thought my yard was dog-poop-free, something toy poodle owners don't appreciate. But with five large dogs and a long, cold winter of avoiding my dog poop duties, that was music to my ears! My dear and wonderful friend bragged that he had cleaned up four bags of dog poop from my yard on Tuesday (two days ago)! I think he just wanted to raid my fridge while I was at work because I know my five dogs crap a lot, but these little turd buckets did not shat 150 piles in two days. Yup, folks, it was turd central .... and I, a mere fifth grader playing hopscotch!
I'm not trying to make a stink about it or call my dear friend a big, fat, exaggerater, but lets face it, he didn't miss just a pile or two .... or three. It appeared as though all the dogs from the neighborhood had gathered in my yard last night for their annual Pinch a Loaf Potluck Party .... and I got stuck with the leftovers! Oh lookie here, someone brought Diarrhea Surprise and Crapcakes - my favorite! And, oohhhh, someone worked their little bottom off to make this lovely Hershey Squirt Dessert! Aahhhhh, Stir Fried Assparagus, Dumplings and Ca-ca Tacos, and over here, some fresh Crapple Turnover and Bumpkin Pie. Mmmmmm ......
I've decided to pass some personal legislation for my yard: The No Pile Left Behind Act. Hmmmmmm .... does that mean little turds would be pushed out of the system before they were ready?! (gasp!) Not in my yard!!
You know how kids push all their food around on their plates to make it look like they ate everything? Well, it looked as though my friend had spread the poop piles out to appear less! Either that, or he stood among the crab and ass grass and said, "Eanie meanie meinie moe, okay, this turd's gotta got," which would explain a lot of things. Or, maybe when he said four bags of dog poop, he meant Ziplock sandwich bags .... hmmmmm .... I'll have to check the cupboard. OR, maybe he said he picked up four bags, but neglected to mention that he left eight out there!
And, why am I sharing this you may be asking? Because I had plenty of time to discuss this with myself as I displayed proper pooper scooping technique for two hours this evening. Have I mentioned, by the way, that my friend is one sexy dog-poop-picker-upper, the second sexiest this side of the Mississippi, next to, yep, Yours Truly! Yeah, I'm one sexy poop-scoopin' mutha.
Why I do believe that just last month I picked up my one millionth loaf! Ha! Where's the beef now, McD?? Even Old Faithful has stood the test of time .... well, barely, his wooden handles have split in two and have been duck-taped back together several times. His metal scoopy things are kinda bent to the side, but never has there been a more dependable pooper scooper than he ..... yes, he was something in his prime. Aaahhhhhhh, every dog owner should be this lucky. He was a gift from above .... okay, a gift from mom, but he was the top box in the UPS delivery truck, so yes, he really did come from above ...... and made his way straight to the bottom.
As a pet owner, it's important to become one with your dog's shat. Peacefully scooping on nights like this gives an owner time to reflect on what their dogs have been eating .... oh, there's the other half of my notebook! I can see who's been snacking in the kitty litterbox! Yes, believe it or not, after all this time, I can tell one turd from another and whose behind left it behind .... shocking, I know. And, I can read, too!
So next time your friend tells you something too good to be true, check your lawn. And, before you make a stink over your neighbor's pink flamingos, ask yourself this: What's in your yard? Have you done your poop duty?
Show your best friend he's number one by giving him a clean place to go number two. Don't let your dog's bottom down! Remember, you too, can leave no pile from your pooch's behind, behind. We never stand so tall as when we stoop to scoop poop! And, finally, I leave you with this - the grass is always greener where the turds are less dense. Goodnight, my friends. May you all be blessed with so much great shit to talk about! Watercooler, here I come .....
I'm not trying to make a stink about it or call my dear friend a big, fat, exaggerater, but lets face it, he didn't miss just a pile or two .... or three. It appeared as though all the dogs from the neighborhood had gathered in my yard last night for their annual Pinch a Loaf Potluck Party .... and I got stuck with the leftovers! Oh lookie here, someone brought Diarrhea Surprise and Crapcakes - my favorite! And, oohhhh, someone worked their little bottom off to make this lovely Hershey Squirt Dessert! Aahhhhh, Stir Fried Assparagus, Dumplings and Ca-ca Tacos, and over here, some fresh Crapple Turnover and Bumpkin Pie. Mmmmmm ......
I've decided to pass some personal legislation for my yard: The No Pile Left Behind Act. Hmmmmmm .... does that mean little turds would be pushed out of the system before they were ready?! (gasp!) Not in my yard!!
You know how kids push all their food around on their plates to make it look like they ate everything? Well, it looked as though my friend had spread the poop piles out to appear less! Either that, or he stood among the crab and ass grass and said, "Eanie meanie meinie moe, okay, this turd's gotta got," which would explain a lot of things. Or, maybe when he said four bags of dog poop, he meant Ziplock sandwich bags .... hmmmmm .... I'll have to check the cupboard. OR, maybe he said he picked up four bags, but neglected to mention that he left eight out there!
And, why am I sharing this you may be asking? Because I had plenty of time to discuss this with myself as I displayed proper pooper scooping technique for two hours this evening. Have I mentioned, by the way, that my friend is one sexy dog-poop-picker-upper, the second sexiest this side of the Mississippi, next to, yep, Yours Truly! Yeah, I'm one sexy poop-scoopin' mutha.
Why I do believe that just last month I picked up my one millionth loaf! Ha! Where's the beef now, McD?? Even Old Faithful has stood the test of time .... well, barely, his wooden handles have split in two and have been duck-taped back together several times. His metal scoopy things are kinda bent to the side, but never has there been a more dependable pooper scooper than he ..... yes, he was something in his prime. Aaahhhhhhh, every dog owner should be this lucky. He was a gift from above .... okay, a gift from mom, but he was the top box in the UPS delivery truck, so yes, he really did come from above ...... and made his way straight to the bottom.
As a pet owner, it's important to become one with your dog's shat. Peacefully scooping on nights like this gives an owner time to reflect on what their dogs have been eating .... oh, there's the other half of my notebook! I can see who's been snacking in the kitty litterbox! Yes, believe it or not, after all this time, I can tell one turd from another and whose behind left it behind .... shocking, I know. And, I can read, too!
So next time your friend tells you something too good to be true, check your lawn. And, before you make a stink over your neighbor's pink flamingos, ask yourself this: What's in your yard? Have you done your poop duty?
Show your best friend he's number one by giving him a clean place to go number two. Don't let your dog's bottom down! Remember, you too, can leave no pile from your pooch's behind, behind. We never stand so tall as when we stoop to scoop poop! And, finally, I leave you with this - the grass is always greener where the turds are less dense. Goodnight, my friends. May you all be blessed with so much great shit to talk about! Watercooler, here I come .....
posted by Heather | 9:05 PM
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