"Oye Vey," She Said

Oye. Jewish mothers. Everyone should have one. My mother brings constant humor to my life since I have learned to take everything she says in stride. Not only is she a Jewish mother - she's a wacky one. But, she always means well. And, to give you a visual image, my brother and I are both tall, while mom peaks at 5'2". Her mouth makes up for her size. Here are some of her more memorable quotes:

"Chin up, shoulders back, chest out. He's a doctor!"
(Thanks mom. And, I'm a pair of boobs with legs.)

"My dream is to see you marry a doctor, lawyer, Indian chief ... someone with goals."

"Don't eat the whitefish!"
(Okay, this she yelled one year, while we were all visiting my aunt and uncle in Philadelphia as she burst out of the bathroom, after a half an hour, with her face all red and sweaty. And, thanks mom. I already ate it.)

"It's simple. You just work your plan and plan your work. Capiche?"
(Her answer to even the most complex problems.)

"Men love Jewish girls with big boobs!"
(Her attempt to build up my self esteem.)

"That short haircut makes your nose look big."
(I AM Jewish, you know.)

"Oh, that mousy brown hair color looks awful on you."
(Referring to my natural brown hair color.)

"Your natural highlighted hair color is so beautiful."
(Okay, now this really needs no explanation.)

"Don't tell them you're Jewish. They's all turn on you."

"You're life won't be complete until you have a nice husband to take care of you."
(Another one of her answers to every problem.)

"Va-va-va-voom!"
(This means she likes it, especially in reference to an outfit or hair style.)

"You look completely different with lipstick. I mean, your whole face just lights up."

"Oh, look at the cute little colored boy they picked for this movie."
(Speaking loud in a very quiet movie theater.)

"We can just leave our purses on the table."
(Wanting me to dance with her in a Las Vegas night club.)

"Of course you feel awkward sometimes. You were a big, clumsy child and now you're a big, clumsy adult."
(Thanks, mom.)

"He's retarded."
(In reference to one of my past boyfriends.)

"Faster! Faster!"
(Watching me power walk on a treadmill.)

"Another 15 pounds to lose and you'll look stunning."

"Oh look, a dog bone."
(When I handed her a large dark brown penis-and-testicle pot pipe in a store in Can Cun.)

Okay, this is not a quote, but it's a story of one of the many things my mom has done. I just remebered it while writing the above quote from our trip to Can Cun in 1998. My mom grabbed a table at a crowded dirty, outdoor shopping mall while my brother and I went to get lunch. We came back with three sandwiches and three fountain sodas. Halfway through the meal, my brother and I suddenly noticed she was sipping a can of soda while her fountain soda was untouched.

"Where'd you get that, mom?" my brother asked.
"Didn't you just buy this for me?"
"Um, no," my brother said as we both looked at her confused.
"Well it was sitting right here on the table!" she said.

Yes, folks, in Mexico, my mom was drinking from an open soda can someone had left behind at a flea market. Of course, my brother and I enjoyed an uproar of laughter as we proceeded to point out to her who we thought the former owners of that can might have been.

Oh, and here's a recent conversation I had with her after she learned of the death of her estranged father.

Mom: "My heart sank when I heard the news."
Me: "Oh, mom. It's okay to be upset. Even though you two were not close, he was still your father."
Mom: "No, my heart sank because I realized now that your Aunt Conne, Uncle Harris and me are the next in line to go."

Oye vey. Jewish mothers ... can't live with 'em and the world wouldn't be the same without 'em.