Five Finger Discount

Last night, I was eating an artichoke and on one of the leaves was a dead slug, steamed to perfection. On the next leaf was another one. I didn't eat them, but I finished the choke. I felt bad for the slugs. Have you ever looked closely at one? You can see their little mouths and their cute little antennas sticking out. I know most people don't consider slugs cute, but maybe if they looked one in the face it might change their perspectives a little.

At work today, I proofed a legal publication until my brain wires were crossed. And, it was no easy reading. After work, I went to the post office (brain completely fried, nerves totally raw). I was about to walk in through the automated entrance when I noticed a year-old toddler running toward the automated exit door, which was closing. He stuck his little hand out just as the door was about to shut.

The lady in front of me screamed and so did I. As I screamed, I leapt over and grabbed the kid so fast, I didn't know if he still had his fingers in tact. I swear, in my mind, I saw blood squirting all over the place and five little fingers littering the floor (thankfully not what happened). It all happened so fast, I was not yet comprehending the situation. As I grabbed him, I threw him back so fast that he landed on his butt and let out a blood curdling howl that sent his ignorant mother over. I thought at first she thought I was knocking her toddler around, but then I realized she didn't give a rats behind about her kid.

What was really awkward, was that as the kid let out a howl, my instict (although I have no kids and do not want any either) was to pick him up, but as I did, I noticed the mom. So there I was half holding her screaming kid by his arms in the doorway of the post office with a stunned look on my face as 20 shocked post office customers watched the noisy spectacle. As the young, negligent mother grabbed her kid, I told her his fingers almost got smashed in the door.

"Yeah, yeah. He's fine," was her reply as she hurried off, not even checking to see if he had a concussion from how hard I grabbed him. Geesh. Anyone can have kids. The gene pool has begun spitting out creations left and right. Poor kid. I startle and jump easily and, boy, after, that I was completely frazzled.

I am no longer frazzled. I had a long, comforting talk with my neighbor. Today is her birthday and everyone forgot so I whipped out a quick cake and carried it to her house in the dark. On the way, I was thinking how funny it would be if I tripped and landed face first in the cake. But, alas, I did not. I like Rosita because she is different. She is very honest, good-hearted and does not put up a front. She may be strange, but I'll take strange over boring any day.

I just hope I did not bake too many dog hairs in with the cake. Oh well. A little wine will wash them down.